Tag Archive: Humor


Diction IS Everything

I know I may not always word things in the best of ways, but luckily, I don’t have the world watching me!

“I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.” – Alicia Silverstone

“I would like to live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were ever supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.” – Ms. Alabama 1994

“Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.” -Oprah Winfrey

“When you’re looking for something, vision is important.” -America’s Next Top Model Contestant (Amanda) on finding a store in Tokyo.

“I’ve never had a problem with drugs. I’ve had problems with the police.” – Keith Richards

“I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes of our time” -Mariah Carey on hearing of the death of King of Jordan

“If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.” – Terry Venables

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” -Yogi Berra

“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.” – David Acfield

“Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is ten, or something.” – Dennis Rodman

“You can put wings on a pig, but you don’t make it an eagle.” – Bill Clinton

“It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.” – George Bush Sr.

“If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate.” – Mayor Marion Barry

Common Sense Rules For Holiday Eating

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or  something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.   Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long  naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”
Have a great holiday season!

What NOT To Say At Thanksgiving

  1. “Whew, that’s one terrific spread!”
  2. “I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.”
  3. “Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.”
  4. “Talk about a huge breast!”
  5. “It’s Cool Whip time!”
  6. “If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!”
  7. “Are you ready for seconds yet?”
  8. “Are you going to come again next time?”
  9. “It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?”
  10. “Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!”
  11. “Don’t play with your meat.”
  12. “Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.”
  13. “Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?”
  14. “I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!”
  15. “You still have a little bit on your chin.”
  16. “Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.”
  17. “How long will it take after you stick it in?”
  18. “You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.”
  19. “Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!”
  20. “How many are coming?”
  21. “That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!”
  22. “Just lay back & take it easy…I’ll do the rest.”
  23. “How long do I beat it before it’s ready?”

I Hope everyone has a safe and happy Thanksgiving!  I will be going home with my friend, Sarah, to Woodlawn, Illinois (don’t even know where it is exactly, but it’s close to Mt. Vernon, which isn’t that big either), which from what I hear is a podunk little town, population 683! From what I’ve heard about her family, it’s gonna be one INTERESTING weekend!  I’m packing my camera, so hopefully, it’ll be some good blogging material!


Have A Laugh!

Last week, I saw Tim Parsons, from the Big Bang Theory, on Craig Ferguson, and thought he was a hoot!  Although, I was suprised to hear his personality isn’t quite as different from his character on the show as I would’ve thought!  Either way, I was cracking up! 

Enjoy!

 

Dr. Seuss and IT

This is that you get when you cross Dr. Seuss and a technical manual(from Inbox Humor online):

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash,
Then your situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

How To NOT Get Asked Out Again

I’m sure EVERYONE has been on a date they would just rather shoot themselves in the foot to get out of than actually stay there and endure it, so here’s a list I found online of some sure fire ways to avoid having to see that person again:

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.

2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

3. Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice.

4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

5. Repeat every third third word you say say.

6. Give your claim to fame as being voted “Most obnoxious” for your high school yearbook.

7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

8. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don’t know what they are talking about.

9. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

10. Order a bucket of lard.

11. Ask for crayons to color the place mat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

12. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking.

13. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

14. Without asking, eat off your date’s plate. Eat more from their plate than they do. Or, eat leftover food from other tables.

15. Drool.

16. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.

17. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

18. Excuse yourself to use the rest room. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her, “What took you so long in the rest room???”

19. Recite limericks to the people at the table next to you.

20. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

21. Beg your date to tattoo your name on his/her body.