Tag Archive: holiday


Common Sense Rules For Holiday Eating

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or  something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.   Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long  naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”
Have a great holiday season!

What NOT To Say At Thanksgiving

  1. “Whew, that’s one terrific spread!”
  2. “I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.”
  3. “Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.”
  4. “Talk about a huge breast!”
  5. “It’s Cool Whip time!”
  6. “If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!”
  7. “Are you ready for seconds yet?”
  8. “Are you going to come again next time?”
  9. “It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?”
  10. “Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!”
  11. “Don’t play with your meat.”
  12. “Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.”
  13. “Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?”
  14. “I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!”
  15. “You still have a little bit on your chin.”
  16. “Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.”
  17. “How long will it take after you stick it in?”
  18. “You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.”
  19. “Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!”
  20. “How many are coming?”
  21. “That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!”
  22. “Just lay back & take it easy…I’ll do the rest.”
  23. “How long do I beat it before it’s ready?”

I Hope everyone has a safe and happy Thanksgiving!  I will be going home with my friend, Sarah, to Woodlawn, Illinois (don’t even know where it is exactly, but it’s close to Mt. Vernon, which isn’t that big either), which from what I hear is a podunk little town, population 683! From what I’ve heard about her family, it’s gonna be one INTERESTING weekend!  I’m packing my camera, so hopefully, it’ll be some good blogging material!