Posts Tagged ‘chocolate’
Posted by Christina Schmidt on December 1, 2008
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ”WOO HOO what a ride!”
Have a great holiday season!
Posted in Random | Tagged: chocolate, Humor, Funny, food, party, dessert, christmas, holiday, mashed potatoes, Pie, egg nog, pumpkin pie, fruitcake, eating, carrots, rum balls, single-malt scotch, calories, gravy, snack, exercise, naps, January, buffet table, cookies, santa, martini | 3 Comments »
Posted by Christina Schmidt on December 1, 2008
December is . . . . Hi Neighbor Month, National Stress Free Family Holiday Month, Bingo’s Birthday Month, and Read A New Book Month
December 1 is . . . . . National Pie Day and Eat A Red Apple Day
December 2 is . . . . . National Fritters Day
December 3 is . . . . . National Roof-Over-Your-Head Day
December 4 is . . . . . Wear Brown Shoes Day
December 5 is . . . . . National Sacher Torte Day, and No Gays For A Day Day
December 6 is . . . . . National Gazpacho Day and Mitten Tree Day
December 7 is . . . . . National Cotton Candy Day
December 8 is . . . . . Take It In The Ear Day
December 9 is . . . . . National Pastry Day
December 10 is . . . . Festival For The Souls Of Dead Whales
December 11 is . . . . National Noodle Ring Day
December 12 is . . . . National Ding-A-Ling Day
December 13 is . . . . Ice Cream and Violins Day
December 14 is . . . . National Bouillabaisse Day
December 15 is . . . . National Lemon Cupcake Day
December 16 is . . . . National Chocolate Covered Anything Day
December 17 is . . . . Underdog Day and National Maple Syrup Day
December 18 is . . . . National Roast Suckling Pig Day
December 19 is . . . . Oatmeal Muffin Day
December 20 is . . . . Games Day
December 21 is . . . . Look At The Bright Side Day, National Flashlight Day, National French Fried Shrimp Day, and Hamburger Day
December 22 is . . . . National Date-Nut Bread Day
December 23 is . . . . Roots Day
December 24 is . . . . National Egg Nog Day
December 25 is . . . . National Pumpkin Pie Day
December 26 is . . . . National Whiners Day
December 27 is . . . . National Fruitcake Day
December 28 is . . . . Card Playing Day and National Chocolate Day
December 29 is . . . . Pepper Pot Day
December 30 is . . . . Festival Of Enormous Changes At The Last Minute and National Bicarbonate Of Soda Day
December 31 is . . . . Unlucky Day
Posted in Current Events | Tagged: and Read A New Book Month, bicarbonate of soda, Bingo's Birthday Month, bouillabaisse, bright side, cards, chocolate, cotton candy, date-nut bread, December, ding-a-ling, ear, egg nog, Festival of Enormous changes at the last minute, flashlight, fried shrimp, fritters, fruitcake, games, gazpacho, hamburger, Hi Neighbor Month, ice cream, lemon cupcake, maple syrup, Mark Your Calendars, mitten tree, National Stress Free Family Holiday Month, No Gays For A Day, noodles, oatmeal muffin, pastry, pepper pot, Pie, pumpkin pie, red apple, roast suckling pig, roof, roots, sacher torte, shoes, underdog, unlucky, violins, whales, whiners | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Christina Schmidt on October 31, 2008
November is . . . . International Drum Month, Peanut Butter Lover’s Month, and Slaughter Month
November 1 is . . . . . Plan Your Epitaph (what’s said on your gravestone) Day
November 2 is . . . . . National Deviled Egg Day
November 3 is . . . . . Sandwich Day and Housewife’s Day
November 4 is . . . . . Waiting For The Barbarians Day
November 5 is . . . . . Gunpowder Day
November 6 is . . . . . Saxophone Day and Marooned Without A Compass Day
November 7 is . . . . . National Bittersweet Chocolate With Almonds Day
November 8 is . . . . . Dunce Day
November 9 is . . . . . Chaos Never Dies Day
November 10 is . . . . Forget-Me-Not Day
November 11 is . . . . Air Day
November 12 is . . . . National Pizza With The Works Except Anchovies Day
November 13 is . . . . National Indian Pudding Day
November 14 is . . . . Operation Room Nurse Day
November 15 is . . . . National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day
November 16 is . . . . Button Day
November 17 is . . . . Take A Hike Day
November 18 is . . . . Occult Day
November 19 is . . . . Have A Bad Day Day
November 20 is . . . . Absurdity Day
November 21 is . . . . World Hello Day and False Confessions Day
November 22 is . . . . Start Your Own Country Day
November 23 is . . . . National Cashew Day
November 24 is . . . . Use Even If Seal Is Broken Day
November 25 is . . . . National Parfait Day
November 26 is . . . . Shopping Reminder Day
November 27 is . . . . Pins And Needles Day
November 28 is . . . . Make Your Own Head Day
November 29 is . . . . Square Dance Day
November 30 is . . . . Stay At Home Because You’re Well Day
Posted in Current Events, Random | Tagged: absurdity, air, almonds, anchovies, barbarians, button, cashew, chaos, chocolate, compass, Confessions, country, deviled eggs, Drum Month, dunce, epitaph, gravestone, gunpowder, head, hello, hike, housewife, Indian pudding, Mark Your Calendars, needles, November, occult, operation room nurse, parfait, Peanut Butter Lover's Month, pins, pizza, refrigerator, sandwiches, saxaphone, seal, Slaughter Month, Square Dance | 3 Comments »
Posted by Christina Schmidt on September 30, 2008
October is . . . . Adopt-A-Dog Month, Computer Learning Month, National Apple Jack Month, National Car Care Month, National Clock Month, National Cosmetology Month, National Dessert Month, National Pickled Pepper Month, National Popcorn Poppin’ Month, National Pretzel Month, National Sarcastics Month, National Seafood Month, National Kitchen and Bath Month, and Vegetarian Awareness Month
October 1 is . . . . . World Vegetarian Day and Magic Circles Day
October 2 is . . . . . Name Your Car Day
October 3 is . . . . . Virus Appreciation Day
October 4 is . . . . . National Golf Day
October 5 is . . . . . National Storytelling Festival
October 6 is . . . . . German-American Day and Come and Take It Day
October 7 is . . . . . National Frappe Day
October 8 is . . . . . American Tag Day
October 9 is . . . . . Moldy Cheese Day
October 10 is . . . . National Angel Food Cake Day
October 11 is . . . . It’s My Party Day
October 12 is . . . . International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day
October 13 is . . . . National Peanut Festival
October 14 is . . . . Be Bald and Free Day and National Dessert Day
October 15 is . . . . White Cane Safety Day
October 16 is . . . . Dictionary Day
October 17 is . . . . Gaudy Day
October 18 is . . . . No Beard Day
October 19 is . . . . Evaluate Your Life Day
October 20 is . . . . National Brandied Fruit Day
October 21 is . . . . Babbling Day
October 22 is . . . . National Nut Day
October 23 is . . . . National Mole Day
October 24 is . . . . National Bologna Day
October 25 is . . . . Punk For A Day Day
October 26 is . . . . Mule Day
October 27 is . . . . Sylvia Plath Day
October 28 is . . . . Plush Animal Lover’s Day and National Chocolate Day
October 29 is . . . . Hermit Day
October 30 is . . . . National Candy Corn Day
October 31 is . . . . National Magic Day and Increase Your Pyschic Powers Day
Posted in Current Events | Tagged: Adopt-A-Dog Month, American Tag, Angel Food Cake, babbling, bald, beard, bologna, brandied fruit, candy corn, car, chocolate, Computer Learning Month, dessert, dictionary, Frappe, free, gaudy, golf, hermit, magic, magic circles, Mark Your Calendars, Moldy Cheese, mole, mule, National Apple Jack Month, National Car Care Month, National Clock Month, National Cosmetology Month, National Dessert Month, National Kitchen and Bath Month, National Pickled Pepper Month, National Popcorn Poppin' Month, National Pretzel Month, National Sarcastics Month, National Seafood Month, nut, October, party, peanut, plush animals, psychic powers, punk, Random, scream, storytelling festival, sylvia plath, Vegetarian, Vegetarian Awareness Month, viruses, white cane safety | 2 Comments »
Posted by Christina Schmidt on August 17, 2008
A. Attached or single? Single
B. Best Friend? Sheila
C. Cake or pie? Cake
D. Day of Choice? Tuesday
E. Essential Item? cell phone, feel naked without it
F. Favourite Color? I like purples, pinks, and teals
G. Gummy bears or worms? Bears
H. Hometown? Grand Blanc, Michigan
I. Favourite Indulgance? Chocolate
J. January or July. July
K. Kids? nope, MAYBE at some point in my life, but not anytime soon, gotta get a husband first 
L. Life isn’t complete without? My friends and family
M. Marriage Date? Wouldn’t know, but there better be plenty of them when I am married (even if they’re really low-key)
N. Numbers of brothers and sisters. One younger brother
O. Orange or Apples? Apples
P. Phobias? Snakes
Q. Quotes? I like these
R. Reasons to smile? the fact I’m alive…better than the alternative
S. Season of choice? Fall
T. Tag 5 People? Whoever wants to!
U. Unknown fact about me? Here’s a few
V. Vegetable? Brussel Sprouts
W. Worst Habit? I swear
X. X-ray or Ultrasound? Neither
Y. Your favourite food? Chinese and Mexican
Z. Zodiac Sign? Aquarius
Posted in About Me, Random | Tagged: apples, brother, brussel sprouts, cake, cell phone, chinese, chocolate, fall, Friends, fruit, Grand Blanc, gummy bears, July, kids, marriage, mexican, Michigan, phobia, Random, snakes, Tuesday | Leave a Comment »
